welcome, my dearest queenglishers👑! i hereby declare the challenge 'hello, new me!🤹♂️' officially
Show more
Type
Empty
카테고리
Empty
07/04
Have you ever felt that a part of yourself you hate had faded away with time, but suddenly reappear when you don’t expected it??? It feels like terrible. I keep wondering “Why am I like this again???” At the same time, it feels as unpleasant as when you find strawberry jam on page 52 of your favorite book, or when kimchi 국물 splashes on your white tshirt, or when juice-not even water-gets into your Iphone’s speaker. Recently, I have felt this emotion a lot, but today was a day when I truly experienced it. Before I talk about what happend today, I want to reflect on myself through this journal and try to answer the question ‘ what kind of person am I?’
I am not the type of person who prefers making appointment with friends. Getting ready to go out always feels like hassle. And honestly, spending time with friends is not always satisfying for me although it’s nice to see them after a long time, I usually feel drained than energized. Except when I am with my family or my boyfriend, I often find myself wanting to go home whenever I am with other people. Listening to other people’s daily life and thoughts, which I am not really curious about, isn’t very interesting to me. Maybe that’s why I don’t make plans woth friends often, and even when I do, I tend to cancel them at the last minute. And the worst thing is that I have canceled plans on the day or just the day before, eventhough I could have told them several days in advance. Why haven’t I done that??? Perhaps it’s because I want to act depending on my mood on that day, or because the other person isn’t that important to me, or because I don’t want to feel quilty for cancelling. I think all these things have mixed together and made me act like this.
Actually, today I had 2 plans. One was luch with an old highschool friend, who I have gradually grown apart from but who will soon leave for a working holiday in the UK and won’t be back for 2 years. The other was meet a friend in the evening to attend a 정기연주회 at 한예종. But I canceled both today. If I was going to do this, why did I make the plans??? Even though I could have told them earlier, I canceled on the day. This is the kind of thing I used to do during what I consider the darkest period of my life, and I can’t believe I have done it again. I have been so disappointed in myself, and I keep thinking like “Why am I doing things that harm myself???” As I write this, I realize that instead of feeling sorry for my friends, I am mostly thinking “Why am I acting like this again???” that makes me think I am selfish. When someone cancel a appointment I was looking forward to, I hate that person. And yet, I have done it twice today. I really need to reflect on myself. I must not keep living like this. I believe that trust is the foundation of human relationships, and that trust is built through keeping promises, but hey, ME. Relfect on myself. Today has truly been a day for reflection.
